I tried to kill Bob. I tried to kill
my friend. No matter how tightly I squeezed my eyes shut, I couldn’t escape the
image-my hand, my knife, the belt buckle, the broken knife and Bob’s face.
“This is crazy,” I finally mumbled…
I’d dreamed of being a doctor since I was 8 years old. But how could I fulfill
the dream with such a terrible temper? When angry, I went out of control and
had no idea how to stop. I’d never make anything of myself if I didn’t control
my temper.
Two hours passed. I felt sick to my
stomach, disgusted with myself, and ashamed. “Unless I get rid of this temper,”
I said aloud, “I am not going to make it. If Bob hadn’t worn that big buckle he’d
probably be dead, and I’d be on my way to jail or reform school.”
Misery washed over me. My sweaty
shirt stuck to my back. Sweat tricked down by armpits and my sides. I hated
myself, but I couldn’t help myself, and so I hated myself even more.
From somewhere deep inside my mind
came a strong impression. Pray. My mother had taught me to pray. My teachers at
the religious school in Boston often told us that God would help us if we only
asked Hi. For weeks, for months, I had been trying to control my temper,
figuring I could handle it myself. Now, in that small hot bathroom I knew the
truth. I could not handle my temper alone.
I felt as thought I could never face
anyone again. How could I look my mother in the eye? Would she know? How could
I ever see Bob again? How could he help but hate me?
“Lord,” I whispered, “You have to
take this temper from me. If you don’t, I will never be free from it. I’ll end
up doing things a lot worse than trying to stab one of my best friends.”
Already heavy into psychology (I had
been reading Psychology Today for a year), I knew that temper was a personality
trait… Even today some experts believe that the best we can do is accept our
limitations and adjust to them.
Tears streamed between my fingers. “Lord,
despite what all the experts tell me, You can change me. You can free me
forever from this destructive personality trait. You have promised that if we
to You and ask something in faith, that You will do it. I believe that You can
change this in me.” I stood up, looking at the narrow window, still pleading
for God’s help. I couldn’t go on hating myself forever for all the terrible
things I’d done.
Misery engulfed me in darkness. “If
you don’t do this for me, God, I have got no place else to go.” At one point I’d
slipped out of the bathroom long enough to grab a Bible. Now I opened it and
began to read in Proverbs. Immediately I saw a string of verses about angry
people and how they get themselves into trouble. Proverbs 16:32 impressed me
the most: “He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty, and he who rules
his spirit than he who takes a city” (RSV)
I felt as though the verses had been
written just to me, for me. The words of Proverbs condemned me, but gave me
hope. After a while peace begin to fill my mind. My hands stopped shaking. The
tears stopped. During those hours alone in the bathroom, something happened to
me. God heard my deep cries of anguish. A feeling of lightness flowed over me and
I knew a change of heart had taken place. I felt different. I was different.
And since that day, since those long
hours wrestling with myself and crying to God for help, I have never had a
problem with my temper. That same
afternoon I decided I would read the Bible every day. I have kept that practice
as a daily habit and especially enjoy the book of Proverbs. Even now, whevever
possible, I pick up my Bible and read the first thing every morning.
The miracle that took place was
incredible when I stop to think about it. Some of my psychologically oriented
friends insist that I still have the potential for anger. May be they are
right, but I’ve lived more than twenty years since that experience, and I have
never had another flare-up or even had a serious problem of needing to control
my temper.
I can tolerate amazing amounts of
stress and ridicule. By God’s grace, it still doesn’t require any effort to
shake off unpleasant, irritating things. God has helped me to conquer my
terrible temper, once and forever.
From that terrible day when I was 14
years old, my faith in God has been intensely personal and an important part of
who I am. About that time I started to hum or sing a hymn that has continued to
be my favourite, “Jesus is all the world to Me.” Whenever anything irritates
me, that hymn dissolves my negativity. I have explained it this way to young
people, “I have sunshine in my heart regardless of conditions around me.”
I am not afraid of anything as long
as I think of Jesus Christ and my relationship to Him and remember that the One
who created the universe can do anything. I also have evidence-my own
experience- that God can do anything, because He changed me.
No comments:
Post a Comment