“Therefore I say to you, her sins, which are many, are forgiven, for she loved much. But to whom little is forgiven, the same loves little.” – Luke 7:47
Blessings? Yeah! I did have. Loving parents, a house on our own, good education, not so much financial stress but is that all to life? What about love? What about the true essence of my living here on earth? What are my purpose and destiny? I couldn't find answers for all this in the things around me. Don't mistake me. Worldly blessings are needed but the core of my spirit longed for its Creator.
My adventure began when my eyes started to look for love from others. At that time, I was doing my Bachelor's degree at a Christian University. I wanted to study computer science but God wanted me to study Electronics. Though how much ever I tried to get into the CSE department, He pulled me much deeper into electronics. How can I say I am the vilest offender; if at first, I have not tasted the love of the greatest Giver! I would like to share with you some of my memorable encounters with the Truth.
It was my daily routine to read Bible in the morning. I was reading Songs of Solomon. On that day, I opened my Bible to read chapter 7. Just before I started to read, I got distracted and my eyes gazed upon my dry, rough feet. I was telling myself, how could I have such ugly feet with no shine or life in them? I chided myself for getting distracted and wanted to continue my devotion. The first verse of chapter 7 goes like this,
“How beautiful your sandaled feet, O prince’s daughter! Your graceful legs are like jewels, the work of an artist’s hands.”
That was the shock of my life. I know God listens and speaks to us in various ways. I know He loves me. But that was the very first time I realized that He speaks back to me not only through people or circumstances but just directly to me like a friend to a friend. It left me breathless. Yes, indeed He speaks. He speaks to our very soul and spirit. He doesn't need to perform miracles like parting a red sea or stopping the moon and sun to let us know He is with us, but in small little things He speaks and draws our attention.
Gulab Jamuns!!! I am crazy for them. I even opted for the vegetarian menu in my hostel just to have one Gulab Jamun every Sunday as they were served only with the vegetarian menu. On one such Sunday, I took my sweet with such great joy and was about to eat it when from nowhere somebody pushed me and the sweet fell on the ground. I cannot ask for another one. Now I had to wait for another seven more days to taste it. Sometimes, you need to endure such things. During that week, a celebration came up in the college and they distributed Gulab Jamun for everyone along with lunch. You need to understand that I am not a regular visitor of the canteen. With that, it was my second missed sweet. When the dinner time came, I rushed to the canteen with the hope that there will be Gulab Jamuns again. Alas! There was none. But sometime later, the canteen in-charge came with a small cup and gave it to me. I looked inside and I saw three Gulab Jamuns. Oh! I was overjoyed. You wouldn't believe a 19-year-old shouting with joy on seeing a simple sweet. When I was about to gulp it down, God stopped me. He told me, Shalina, do you remember? It is in this same place you lost your sweet some days back. I know you like them so much. Now enjoy the sweets with the knowledge that I am the God who is very much interested even in the smallest desire of yours just like your big ones.
It is a funny Gulab Jamun story but the way how God spoke again pierced one of the strongest messages into my heart that the Almighty God, the Creator of the entire Universe, the One who is enthroned above all thrones and kingdoms always has time to stoop down to look into the very tiniest, simplest and silliest desire of mine.
It
is to those simple prayers that came out of my heart that He answered quickly.
Though I studied in matriculation school, my English was very poor. I think
many of you can relate to me in this. During my 12th standard final English exam, I
asked my friend, “How did you wrote your exam?” She looked at me and said,
“Shalina, it is ‘how did you write?’ and not ‘how did you wrote?’ You cannot
put two past tenses together.” What an embarrassment it was and that too right
after the English exam! I had no clue about past tense, past participle,
present participle, future participle, and all those interesting grammar
phenomena. All I knew was to memorize all the text, vomit it out in the exam
and then forget about it.
And here I am, in a prestigious University, sitting next to a girl from Arunachal Pradesh and have no other option except to practice my well-memorized English on her. It didn't stop there. I was asked to lead worship in the prayer cell with the broken English of mine. I said, “God, you should be kidding me.” Sometimes, we cannot fathom God's ways. No matter how much I tried, I couldn't peep into His mind. Therefore, He helped me learn real English. I will read my Bible in my mother tongue (Tamil) and then will read the same thing again in English Bible. That is how the Master of all Languages helped me learn English.
Despite experiencing love from Him, and witnessing His hand move upon my life, I went astray. I started to run after the love of the world. I ignored the little tender voice of Him inside of me. I searched for love in wrong places, tried to fill my void with ugly things and did horrible things for sake of false love and I turned my life into a mess. Guilt choked my heart. My sins and transgressions chased me. I felt unworthy to even touch the Bible and read. I couldn't pray. My life would have been all gone and you wouldn't be reading this right now.
Yes! God showed up again. As He dragged me back to the mountain top from the valley, it was not so easy. It was painful but I know I will be healed by Him. The message of the cross became real to me all of a sudden. Instead of me, He stood there before judgement. Instead of people accusing me of wretchedness, they accused Him. I should be the one sentenced to death but He bore it upon Himself. The guilt that tortured me was now laid upon His Holy body. The transgressions that should have separated me from the Creator separated Him Who knew no sin from the Father. His body was pierced for every wicked act I committed. For all the scenes my eyes watched, thorns were pushed into His eyes. With His precious blood, He paid for all my sins. Even His very last breath, He laid it down to be with me. He never questioned me, “Shalina, why did you do this?” Instead He pleaded with me not to go far away from Him. That is the love of the cross. It broke me. I am the vilest offender, who knew and experienced His love, yet went boldly to betray Him for the five minutes pleasures of the world, who despite hearing the sweet gentle voice, nevertheless denied Him for false love. How can a person love you so much when all you have done is pure wickedness? It is the love of Jesus. It doesn’t depend on who I am and what I have done but it purely depends on His grace and Who He is.
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