“Who am I, O Lord God? And what is my house, that You have brought me this far?” - I Chronicles 17:16
As an ordinary Christian girl, born and brought up in a traditional Christian family in Madurai, my walk with God had always been a sinusoidal wave rather than an increasing curve. One day I will be so close to Him and the next day my life will show no relationship with Him. I went to church without fail, knew all the Sunday school songs, and attended VBS every summer, oh yes! I did memorize several bible verses. All these touched my lips but had never entered my heart. Such a trouble maker I was at home. Obedience comes very naturally to me (you know what I mean) that once my mother said she will leave the house if I continue to be mischievous and unmanageable. The funny part was despite all this I was an all-rounder in my school. Teachers used to say I am a shrewd girl but I think they did not know the “real me”.
It looks so silly to me now but at that time it was so precious and essential to me. One was that I will read Bible and pray every day, the other was I will not visit a particular house, where I used to watch movies and the third one was I will not read 'Siruvar Malar' (a kid's book) as I was getting addicted to it. With this decision, I entered high school as a different person. For four years, my life was at it’s best. Though my everyday prayers were like a broken tape-recorder singing the same things again and again, not even once I went to bed without praying.
It was in this state He came in search of me. I
was with my cousins on the way to Chennai. It was my first maiden trip to the
capital city of Tamilnadu. The train moved and moving along with it was a
screen projecting all the things I did in my life up to that moment. Incident
after incident flashed before me. For an 11-year-old it was a peculiar
experience. Little did I know that God was taking hold of my life, right in the
middle of that train journey. I gave Him my pledge on three things. It looks so silly to me now but at that time it
was so precious and essential to me. One was that I will read Bible and pray
every day, the other was I will not visit a particular house, where I used to watch movies and the third one
was I will not read 'Siruvar Malar' (a kid's book) as I was getting addicted to
it. With this
decision, I entered high school as a different person. For four years, my life
was at it’s best. Though my everyday prayers were like a broken tape-recorder
singing the same things again and again, not even once I went to bed without
praying. God helped me to keep the other two pledges too. Sometimes I wish for
the will power I had during those four years.
Yes, I was changed but, I was still
in the process of moulding. Though things took a turn in my life and even
though His grace seeped through my academics awarding me first rank throughout
my high school, a vacuum started to grow inside of me, a deep longing for love.
Parents were there, friends were there, but still lack of love. This vacuum
made me lifeless and left me in tears.
As
He intended that's how I acted by learning to worship Him with my tears. I am
not a singer with a beautiful voice but our God does not show partiality. I
didn't have an angelic voice to sing praises to the Almighty but I sang with
all my might with every word of the song being poured out of my inner soul and
giving glory to the One what is due of Him. Oh! The sweet bliss of His presence
that descended, mere words cannot explain. It swept over my questions of
"Is there anybody to love me and care for me? Is there even a single soul
to ask me how I am? What did I eat? How I wrote my exam?” All these became
shadows when His peace came over me. Believe me; I was so young at that time to
understand that this chill breeze blowing over me was His way of telling me
that He loves me so much.
Something incredible happened in my life during my summer vacation in the year 2004. My class teacher invited me to a three-day GEMS Youth Camp meeting in Trichy. It was there I learned that only God can fill this vacuum of mine with His unconditional love and that I need His presence every day to love Him back. Indeed, In that camp meeting I was baptized, not with water but with the very consuming fire of the Holy Spirit with the gift of speaking in tongues. You can ask me, "Shalina, everything is going well in your life, you are the topper in your school, your parents are not divorced, and you don't seem to have any financial struggles, then why is it that you need God in your life?" I will tell you why I needed God in my life in the following chapter.
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